Loser on a Friday night

It's been so long since I've stayed home alone on a Friday night I forgot just how lonely and crazy it can make me feel. My car is out of commission and I have been stuck at home for 2 days now. I know I am supposed to be grateful that a) it broke down during my 2 days off and didn't interfere with work b) Andy knew it was going to happen and made me stop driving it and take it in before I did irreparable damage c) It didn't cost nearly what I thought it was going to or could have d) I have a car at all. I AM grateful. Sincerely! But I have felt like a caged animal the past 2 days and now I just feel like a lonesome loser home alone on a Friday night. I am so busy all the time and always wishing I had a few minutes to myself to relax and do the things I want to do. But having it forced on me has shown me that I don't really want time alone or time to relax. I don't like unfilled time. It ultimately leads me to enter  the inner depths of my mind and soul and those are places I am not very comfortable visiting these days. I have become entirely too comfortable living in the distracted world I have created for myself. I can't bear the reality. Illusion is so much easier to endure. I like denial. And I hate that I am smart enough to realize that denial is where I reside. It is the refuge I take from a harsh reality that I don't feel strong enough to face. I fear the day it all comes crashing down. I have felt its pressure building for months, years now. People like to tell me I am strong. My strength is a lie. I am weak and fearful and avoiding making the hard choices that are not really choices but the only roads still open to me. The only thing left to do is get up off my ass, pack my shit, and start traveling. But I prefer to stay here in la-la land, pretending that something somehow is all going to work out.  I gave life a shot and it shot me down. I don't know how to proceed. But I know I can't stay here. NO matter how long or how hard I pretend. Sooner or later it's all going to end. It's surprising that a control freak like me doesn't do something about it. I guess it's because I feel there are greater forces than myself pushing and pulling me in another direction and I haven't come to terms with that yet. Obviously every choice I have made for myself, all the control I've tried to exert over my own destiny has been completely out of line with what the universe has in store for me.  But I can't surrender to those forces.  Being the petulant, stubborn child is the only control I have over  my own life right now. And you can see how well that is working for me! I've never been good at finding that middle ground. I either have a death grip on the reins of my life, even if it means heading toward a cliff, or I completely cave and let others lead me to places and a life I neither want nor know how to live. I am either the rigid, unyielding task master or the drunken submissive fool. Why all the black and white extremes?  Where is the balance? Where is the rainbow? (the middle ground between the black and white is not the grays of life you know --- it is the colorful spectrum of life and all its possibilities!) I claim to hate the drama yet it's all I have. Ridiculous! See - this is why I should never be left alone on a Friday night! I think I'll go clean a closet....